National Start! Walking Day

My employer is participating in "National Start! Walking Day." This is sponsored by the American Heart Association, with the goal of getting America walking for 30 minutes a day. At work, they offered free pedometers to track our walking throughout this coming year. We have a web page where to sign in and log the number of steps we take each day and prizes for hitting certain number of step milestones. That's a very neat incentive. For me, being able to look back and see how I've done is always motivating.

So, even as I type, the pedometer is on my jean's waistband. The last two days, I've done about 4000 steps. Not a bad start. I'm hoping, by the end of the week, to average 10,000 steps a day. And, heaven knows I can use the stress relief from the exercise.

Struggles and Struggles

Well, as you might guess from my total silence, the last two weeks have been an enormous struggle. Stress in life, especially at work, is taking a huge toll on me and seriously sabotaging my healthy path efforts.

I'm terribly frustrated right now. In no way do I want to give up and erase a year's hard work, but, making healthy choices has been so difficult. If you asked me to grab the world's sharpest knife by the blade as hard as I could, that's about how badly I'm avoiding my previous good habits. This week, I can at least begin to face things, although I did decide to avoid a weight in. Right now, I don't need any more negative in my life and I know that the scale will only bring me bad news.

The ironic thing is, when I eat foods that are supposed to comfort me, I end up feeling like crap, physically and emotionally. What a mess. You would think I would learn from this dynamic, but so far, I can't break the cycle of reaching for junk.

What's causing all this is my job. For the first time in my life, I have to cope with the daily challenge of spending 10 hours at the job that I've come to loathe. A negative psychic environment, nasty coworkers, ever changing demands, and unsympathetic management that constantly asks for overtime, are taking a huge toll. It's imperative that I find a new job. And, I have been looking. I'm an RN, but, unfortunately, health issues keep me from working in the acute care setting. This cuts down on the places where I can look for work. And, the economy is making this a tough time to even get hired. My better half, who is an IT professional, has been looking for a better position for over two years. Bleh!

I sure hope the tide turns soon.

Weigh In Monday # 31

Happy Spring! After a short hiatus, I'm back. Life has been fairly nuts. I had an awful bout of the flu that started on Good Friday and continued for nearly a week. During that time, I didn't feel much like eating, and when I did, I only wanted something that tasted good. Last week, I was really down and didn't care a whit about eating healthy. I'm struggling with work issues again and the stress was getting to me.

However, the good news is, that when I stepped on the scale this week, I found my weight had stayed the same. That surprised the heck out of me. I would have sworn I'd gained 10 pounds. But there I was, standing on the scale, feeling like a healthy person who had maintained her weight through a challenging two weeks.

Last Wed., I even got in a mile walk. The amazing thing was, the next day, I wasn't the least bit sore. Looks like my short at-work walks are helping keep me limber. That's very encouraging. Now that the spring weather is here, I plan on getting out and walking with my greyhound more often. I find the air and all the energy from the budding plants and trees very healing. And, heaven knows, my body still has healing to do.

Weigh In Monday # 30

I finally put a good week together and the scale rewarded me with a 5 pound loss. The interesting thing, as I was stepping on the scale, I didn't have an inkling of what the numbers would show. Would I lose? Would I gain? I was clueless. So, the 5 pounds was a lovely surprise. I'm very psyched, because with this loss, I've hit a new total pounds lost -- 71 lbs. Pretty exciting!

Through most of January and February, I struggled against discouragement and temptation. Looking back now, I think that emotional state was the effect of the winter blues. February, of all the winter months, has always been a tough emotional month. Fortunately, the slow fade of winter and daily signs of spring have lifted my spirits and helped me recommit to my healthy path.

Addiction and Morbid Obesity

The March 2088 Newsweek features an engrossing piece about addiction and the current research seeking solutions, on biochemical levels, towards developing new medications and possibly a vaccine. I picked up the magazine waiting for an appointment, and, throughout this week, several points from the article have echoed in my brain. The piece stated that, addiction is a "biological, psychological, social and spiritual" disease. And, unless the individual working for recovery has support on all those levels, they probably won't succeed. It took a huge sea change in the medical community and society to stop perceiving alcoholism as a "moral failing" and recognize it as a disease that demanded more attention and resources. Isn't the same change needed towards morbid obesity?

While food doesn't act on brain receptors as strongly as heroin, I do think that addiction to food is a reality, and, that it contributes to the disease of morbid obesity. There is still a perception in society that being overweight is, like previous attitudes toward alcoholism, a moral failing or personal weakness. I couldn't begin to count the number of times my Dad told me that all I needed was a "little willpower" to lose weight. Oh, that losing weight was so simple. If there is an inner switch to flip, that permanently shuts off years of intertwining food and emotion, and erases the isolation and feeling of being terribly flawed being obese brings, I haven't found it.

Like substance addiction, morbid obesity is also a biological, psychological, social, and spiritual disease. Our biology can be impacted by genetic and metabolic differences that predispose us to gaining weight. Our society equates a thin body with beauty, putting tremendous pressure on individuals to attain a mostly impossible, arbitrary standard of beauty, leaving us alone to deal with the emotional fallout from not reaching that standard. Commercial weight loss programs focus on what not eat and only marginally touch on the psychological and emotional components of weight loss. The spiritual side, which the 12 Step world recognizes, is probably the most overlooked aspect in the dieting world.

When I look back on my healthy journey to date, I recognize, through no conscious choice, that I am working on all those aspects of the disease. Yes, food, portions and healthy choices are key. But, if I hadn't started seeing a therapist for depression, and, for the first time in my life began speaking aloud about a lifetime of fighting obesity, I wouldn't have lost 60 plus pounds, or, would never be here writing about the process to the world. And, rekindling my spiritual life has been a tremendous aid towards a healthy body. As far as social support, I suspect that if I hadn't met a man who loved me despite my size, I never would have begin working at all this. I met Sweetie when my hair was falling out from chemotherapy and was an emotional basket case from fighting breast cancer. I figured that any man who fell in love with me through all that was a keeper! Plus, I've found wonderful social support here, in the weight loss blogging community.

Only recently has the medical world begun to recognize obesity as a disease. Unfortunately, I don't think there will ever be a drug or miracle plan to heal it. But, the work and effort can be done by anyone. Finding physical, psychological, social and spiritual healing begins with recognizing the problem and seeking help for solutions. And, one step on the healthy path to get going.

Weigh In Monday # 29

The sun was out in PA and the air had a tiny, tiny hint of softness. Perhaps we do have a chance of spring soon.

I did manage to get back on track this past week and shed 3 of the pounds I gained. I'm glad of that, though I must admit to being weary of treading water since January. I keep juggling the same 2 - 4 lbs. from the "gain" to the "lose" column! At least I am maintaining and not gaining. That in itself is an accomplishment for me.

This afternoon, around 4pm, I was getting hungry. And, my "tired of working" self whispered, "you've been good today, go get some chips and diet coke." Mmm, perfect to get through the last two hours of work. So, I went to the gift shop only to find a crowd around the snack food rack. I stood there for 5 minutes, trying to see around everyone, and finally figured out they only had jalapeno and salt & vinegar chips. Yuk! Then, I started chuckling. Surely, this was nature's way of telling me that I don't need chips. Instead, I went into the coffee shop, got that soda and a tossed salad!

Weigh In Monday # 28

I've had a rocky time of it the past 14 days. I was so upset with myself last week, that I just couldn't deal with weighing myself. Life calmed down a bit over the weekend and I was able to pull things together and step on the scale. I gained 4 pounds. I was surprised at how small the weight gain was, since I felt I'd done nothing but overeat for two weeks.

What set things off was my annual mammogram. The results showed an "irregularity" which they felt was benign, but wanted a repeat in 4 months to make sure there was no change. Now, I'm a breast cancer survivor, going through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation on both of my breasts. So, hearing there was a problem brought so much anxiety, I couldn't deal with it all. To cope, I started eating and just couldn't stop. I was eating so much, I had severe stomach pain. I was so weirded out, I ate things I don't even like, simply because they were handy. I was a total mess!

This Monday, things are a bit better. My logical self has overcome the emotional landslide. Today, I managed to be totally on the healty path for the first time in two weeks. Whew! In times past, this experience would have caused me to give up totally on things and return to slowly killing myself with food. So, small blessings and small lessons learned.